Self-introduction letter (revised)
Subject: Self-introduction email
Dear Professor Blackstone
I hope this email finds you well. My name is Randall Ong, I graduated with a diploma in business process systems and engineering at Temasek Polytechnic. Growing up, I was constantly exposed to heavy machinery and was given countless opportunities by my father to take a closer look at multiple construction sites. I was fascinated with these gigantic man-made machinery transporting materials from one point to another and would always pester my father to buy me, heavy machinery models, after each visit. My father has been in the building and construction industry for many years now and has been my inspiration ever since I was young. I witnessed the process of untouched land turning into concrete jungles which in turn fuel my passion and interest greatly in civil engineering.
I am a confident and bold speaker taking up coaching roles to teach children badminton in my free time. During training, I was assertive and tried my best to discipline my students to the best of my abilities. After each lesson, I will take the time to meet their parents to keep them updated on the progress of their child. Engaging with each parent may not be pleasant at times, but I keep a constant effort to maintain my professionalism with them.
One weakness I have been facing for some time is trouble pronouncing certain words. Surrounded by friends who speak fluent English, I would find myself getting corrected by them. it might not mean a lot to some but I believe in order for one to expand and get more opportunities in the future, this is something one must overcome. That is why I constantly read and watch English shows to improve my speaking.
As an aspiring civil engineer, I have two goals I hope to achieve by the end of this module. I want to improve my email writing by ensuring that I apply the 7Cs at all times and also my pronunciation. By achieving these goals, it will boost my confidence and help me in my daily interactions.
Thank you for your time professor.
Best regards
Randall Ong
Thanks much for posting your letter, Randall. I look forward to reading it and also reading the comments from your peers.
ReplyDeleteHi Randall, the organization of the letter is very well written. It is clear and concise. I believe you could enhance this letter better by using good vocabulary amd using an exceptional choice of words. Other than that, good job!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteDear Dzu,
DeleteThank you so much for your feedback. I will try my best to improve on my letter and make the necessary changes.
Best regards,
Randall
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDear Randall,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this well developed letter of introduction. You cover the various assignment requirements and add fine concrete detail. The sharing about the way you developed an interest in engineering is especially telling in terms of how it allows us to see into your world and get to know something about your growth.
I also like the detail in the sections about perceived strength and weakness in communication, and the way you tie in your coaching. You can also rest assured knowing you will be focusing on the 7Cs even more, and you will be having more speaking opportunities as the term progresses. I hope you can identify what pronunciation issues you need to correct and work on your articulation as we go through those specific tasks.
Your overall language fluency in this letter is quite good, but there are a couple issues:
1. sentence structure
-- I vividly remember a construction project that I tagged along with my father and witnessing the process of untouched land turning into concrete jungles sparked my interest greatly in civil engineering. > (lack of clarity/convoluted structure) ?
-- By achieving these goals, it will boost my confidence... > (Who is achieving these goals?)
2. phrases/words & meaning
-- I work with their parents to access their progress. > (access?)
3. repetitiveness/lack of conciseness
-- Surrounded by friends who speak fluent English, I would find myself getting corrected by my friends when I mispronounce words. > Surrounded by friends who speak fluent English, I would find myself getting corrected when I mispronounce words.
-- Thank you for your time professor. > ?
I look forward to seeing how you polish this letter , Randall. Also, I want to challenge you to take on more of a leadership role in the class throughout the term.
Best wishes,
Brad
Dear professor Brad,
DeleteThank you so much for your feedback. I will take note on the mistake I made and make the necessary amendments .
Best regards,
Randall
The content was engaging and I enjoyed learning more about you! Aside from a slightly inconsistent flow throughout the letter, it was generously detailed. Well done on the grammar as well. Below are certain areas you may want to improve on:
ReplyDelete- When you are introducing yourself in the first paragraph, it may be more helpful for Prof Brad to identify you if you included the seminar group number that you are in.
- The first paragraph can be made more concise by incorporating the phrase "My father has been in the building and construction industry for many years..." into the sentence "Growing up, I was constantly exposed to heavy machinery and was given countless opportunities by my father to take a closer look at multiple construction sites.".
- The following sentence "After the students’ training, I work with their parents to access their progress." can simply be rewritten as "I often work with their parents to assess their progress.". The word "training" has already been mentioned before in the same paragraph.
- You can consider splitting the two goals you mentioned in the second sentence of the fourth paragraph and avoiding the use of the phrase "I want to" twice. This may help improve the flow.
- I felt that there were too many things being listed in the fourth paragraph.
On that note, I hope that I have been able to aid you in improving your email writing!
Dear Donald,
DeleteThank you for your feedback. Thank you so much for spotting out my error too. I will make the necessary amendment needed to improve on my letter.
Best regards,
Randall